This time of the year, everyone wonders what everyone wants. Wanting to buy the perfect gift to express their feelings, people spend more than their fair share of time hunting down the "WOW" gift. Sometimes, however, this turns out to be a dud. So, keeping in mind that I have no mind, I've decided to let everyone know what will make me say "WOW" this season...

1.) A REMOTE CONTROLLED HELICOPTER - The bigger the better. I have a next door neighbor with a mastiff that leaves steaming mini lava floes all over the place. I want to buzz bomb that son of a Marmaduke without risking a mauling.

2.) TEN BACK SCRATCHERS - I'm teaching the rats in my apartment to play field hockey. Betting is encouraged.

3.) A ROBOTIC-CALLER SOLICITATION MACHINE - Pre-loaded with the names and numbers of all phone solicitation companies and their employees. Ba-ZING-ga!

4.) AN 8 FOOT X 3 FOOT TELEVISION WITH REALISTIC INTERACTIVE 3-D - Oh wait... I have one of those. It's called my FRONT DOOR!

Merry Christmas, all...!!!